Thursday: Disconnect

Forgive me, Dear Reader. It’s been eight days since my last post… (Is it obvious that I am also a recovering Catholic? 😂)

I’ve been a bit under the weather; and, as a result, have found myself smack dab in the middle of mental depression. Sadly, this isn’t uncommon in my world; and though I’ve gotten much more adept at handling it, it’s always a struggle to find myself here.

For me, the most frustrating part of mental affliction is the fundamental disconnect between knowing and feeling. I know that this will soon pass, and that putting one foot in front of the other will help to hasten that passage. I feel, however, that the darkness will never dissipate; and I should therefore simply give in, and wallow away.

Second to that frustration is knowing that my moods also affect Mitchell. Though skilled at tip-toeing across eggshells, he often finds himself a target for all of the negative feelings swirling in and around me. It isn’t fair, it just is.

Last, but not least, there is the formidable weight that comes from everything feeling overwhelming — from brushing my teeth to filling ice cube trays to studying for my courses at the university to my obligations in AA.

The irony of depression is that it takes away your will to move, when moving is the only thing that will pull you out of it. (That damn disconnect again.) And that is where I currently find myself — stuck between knowing I must move, and having absolutely no desire to do so.

Falling ill interrupted my Yoga practice and the routine that went along with it. These past several days, I played video games and watched reruns of “The Office” in lieu of completing “normal” everyday tasks… and having done so has made me feel more lethargic and a little less human.

So I suppose the only thing to do is to get up out of this chair, brush my teeth, take a shower, and get dressed. Who knows? Perhaps I will feel better after having done so, and will then continue to move forward.

I just really don’t want to. No promises, Dear Reader. I’ll let you know how it goes…

Thursday Soundtrack: Citizen Soldier

Published by

Alessa Moon

Alessa is forty-three years old. She is a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, has a veritable alphabet of mental health disorders (which she mostly manages), and is currently studying Social and Behavioral Science at the University of Arizona. She lives with her husband, Mitchell, in Tucson.

One thought on “Thursday: Disconnect”

  1. Love the song. Sometimes we need to give ourselves a break. You deserve care, even if you have to do it yourself. What is the worst thing that can happen if you veg on a bad day? A hundred years from now will it make a difference? I often put in my headphones around others and just go to my happy place. Haikus are fun too.

    Like

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